Happy holidays!
But are they really? Sitting around with my family after making this feast for thanksgiving, I knew I was supposed to feel full content and thankful. All I really felt was guilt and discontent. Every year we haul the decorations out of the attic, deck the halls and get into the Christmas spirit. And every year im left feeling the same way.
Theres so much food left over. It makes me sad. It took 8 hours to prepare and 10 minutes to eat. Another 2 hours of cleaning. I don’t want to do it anymore. Any of it. No Thanksgiving no Christmas no easter. I can stand birthdays but even that is pushing my limits.
So why, why do I cook the turkey, deck the halls, and buy the presents year after year when it’s not what I want? The short and easy answer is my kids. The long and hard answer is society tells me I have to for my kids to have a “normal” life, that wont land them in 4 years of therapy. I HAVE to cook way too much food that will not get eaten and will not be appreciated. I HAVE to give them gifts they didn’t earn and may not even deserve. I HAVE to pretend im happy about it all along, which is the hardest part.
So what IF I don’t want to participate? If I want to make mac and cheese for Thanksgiving dinner and skip out of Christmas? Well my kids feel the shame, I feel the shame. They go to school and can’t tell their friends our house isn’t normal. Close family and friends will even shame you. Because you are supposed to be jolly and just do it for your kids! But here’s the thing…. I’m teaching my kids to do something that I don’t want to do in the first place. And every time I go ahead and go with the flow I lose a piece of me. Its gone. I feel it slip away little by little with every agreeable nod, every turkey cooked, every present bought. This guilt comes over me that I can’t seem to escape. Am I whats wrong with the world? What if they don’t want to do any of this either? But by stomping out my own voice I’ve taught them to stomp out theirs and do whatever society dictates you should?
I would love to end this with a declaration that I will not continue to be a slave to societal norms.. but if I’m being honest I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the happy middle is or if there even is one for me. I do hope I find within myself the strength to be who I want someday.
G.
FREEYOURMOUTH 